Oh but wait. This whole experience is far from over. I still have to deliver the placenta and they still have to put my lady bits back together to something resembling a vagina. Placentas are gross. One short push and the thing slithered out of me and made a splat sound as is fell into basin placed the bottom of my bed under my ass. Joel accidentally looked at it when they were inspecting it to make sure it was intact, he said it looked like a "weird jellyfish".
The doctor and the midwife are at the bottom of my bed inspecting my vajayjay with a magnifying glass/light combo on wheels, each with a pair of oversized tweezers in hand. I can only assume they are trying to see how to piece me back together. They aren't doing anything, just talking about it. This was concerning. I hear the midwife say the word "significant". That can't be good. The only thing keeping me from sobbing and beginning the grieving process over the loss of my what used to be perfect vagina; was seeing Joel totally smitten with our new baby girl. I try my best to focus on him and tune out what is happening down there. Two suture packs and 30 minutes later, both the doctor and the midwife working together manage to finally sew me back together. They ask if I want a mirror to check it out. NOPE. After that I didn't look down there for almost 3 weeks.
I thank the doctor and he leaves the room, off to save more babies I assumed. The midwife explains to both Joel and I that I suffered a grade 3 episiotomy, had about 20 or so sutures, inside and out, and that my road to recovery would be long and difficult. I look at Joel and tell him we are never ever having sex again. After all, this is all his fault. Then in walks the Nazi. What is he doing here? He tells me it's time to remove the epidural catheter. WHAT? NO! I fought so hard to get it and now he wants to take it away. Doesn't he know I just pushed a watermelon out of a hole the size of a grape and these people damn near cut me a new asshole? Literally. I sit up, he injects my with some fentanyl to "take the edge off" (which it totally did NOT) and then removes the epidural catheter. Then the nurse immediately removes the other catheter so I can eventually pee in a toilet as opposed to a bag. Within seconds, I began to regain sensation from my hips down and it was f*&king horrible. I thought contractions were bad. Nope, this. This is worse.
Joel comes over and lays our perfect creation on my chest. I know every parent thinks they have the most beautiful child in the world. I even told Joel if she comes out ugly I'll be the first one to admit it, but Jordan is truly beautiful. Words cannot describe that feeling of having her on my chest. I cannot even begin to put into writing what this moment felt like. The only way I can try to get you to understand how this felt is that my entire life leading up to this very moment was suddenly insignificant. Now, I am whole. She is everything I never knew I wanted, and more. I have never loved anyone or anything as much as I love this tiny human who I just met an hour ago for the first time. I attempt to breastfeed and to my amazement, she latches on right away. The bond was instant. I was in so much pain but for that moment, it didn't matter.
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| Mommy and Baby |
After our "golden hour" together, They take Jordan away from me to reevaluate her Apgar, she scores a 9 again. Then the nurse tells me its time for me get up and try and go to the bathroom. She must be insane. She helps me up and I waddle to the bathroom, ass hanging out the back of my gown, and tears pouring down my face. Every step was agonizing, and sitting was even worse. I felt like I'd been ripped in half. I sit down on the toilet and the nurse comes in and squats right in front of me, spreads my legs and with a water bottle and begins squirting my vajay with warm water. I wanted to slap her in the face. She tells me I have to pee. I sat on that toilet for a good 10 minutes before a trickle of pee leaks out. I yell at the nurse "there! You happy now! I peed. I'm going back to bed!". She's so close to stealing the Nazi title from the epidural man, I swear.
My first visitors are my Mom, Dad and Sister. Seeing my family each hold Jordan for the first time will forever be one of my favorite memories. Even though I still look pregnant, I have a hell of a headache, my vagina hurts more than words can describe, I'm starving, Joel ate all the cookies, and I look like I've been hit by a truck, I'm happier than I've ever been in my entire life. I did it. With Joel by my side every step of the way and my family waiting patiently in the waiting room, I delivered our perfect baby girl, Jordan.
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| Joy and Pain |
