How can you not know?

I'll be honest. I was fairly embarrassed I didn't know I was pregnant, and I still am. I mean, I've seen the TV show "I didn't know I was pregnant" too. I also thought there was no way in hell a woman could not know. I mean HOW CAN YOU NOT KNOW?!? Then it happened to me, trust me, you can not know. I already felt like the worst Mom in history for not knowing a baby was living inside me. I'm still working through that to this day almost six months later. Even at 35 weeks pregnant, my boobs didn't hurt, my feet weren't swollen, I didn't feel anything alien-like moving inside me, I didn't have the "pregnancy glow". I felt FINE. I do remember have a little bit of heartburn for a couple weeks, but I thought that was because I lived 3+ months laying on my back from my surgery and ate crap food. I guess that was my only "symptom" of my pregnancy. So basically, I was gypped of the whole experience. Everyone says I should consider myself lucky because pregnancy can be a real bitch, but apparently I'm really good at it. You bet your ass as soon as I found out, I used the "I'm pregnant" card every chance I could, I had 35 weeks to make up for.

Immediately after finding out, Joel and I both decided that we were not going to post anything on social media until the baby was born and we knew she was OK. No obligatory sonogram photos and no weekly bump pictures (what bump?). We weren't going to have a Gender Reveal Party or Baby Shower. After all, we didn't really have the time, this baby could pop out at any moment. This also meant that we couldn't go out to our regular bars/restaurants because if I didn't order a Coors Light the second I walked in the door, everyone would know. This also meant no more Pizza Thursdays. Devastating. Joel and I went out to for Pizza every Thursday. And OF COURSE the day after finding out I was pregnant was a Thursday. So we hid for five weeks. We didn't go anywhere. I prefer to refer to this time in our lives as "nesting".   

The only people who knew I was pregnant were mine and Joel's family, and everyone my Mother took the liberty of telling. We did tell a handful of our close friends, who mostly didn't believe us, or laughed. What is with you people laughing at me? We basically spent five weeks avoiding everyone. Joel and I were living life in a bubble, and it was glorious to be honest. We weren't inundated with question after question that most pregnant couples are subjected to. Because you know, anyone who ever seen a baby has an opinion on everything from epidurals to breastfeeding to what brand of ass creme to use. Yes, yes and Desitin in case you were wondering. 

All of this was still so surreal to both of us. And then we woke up on Friday, June 30th. Sonogram day. We were finally going to see this baby for the first time. I barely slept. I was worried it would have too many limbs, or not enough organs. Everything and anything that could go wrong with a developing fetus I was convinced had happened. Joel kept reminding me that the dye is cast, it is what it is, and we will deal with whatever our comes our way. I love that man. How he stayed so cool, calm and collected through the entire process is beyond me. Because I was a lunatic. 

Word to the wise all you pregos out there. STAY OFF THE INTERNET. I can't begin to tell you how many times I got lost in the vortex that is the internet. When it comes to pregnancy and parenthood, the internet is 25% horror stories about labor and delivery, 25% about products or events that have resulted in the untimely death of a child, 25% Mommy bloggers, and 25% companies trying to sell exhausted parents at 3 AM a miracle product/solution. It's a trap. A terrifying trap. 

Joel and I arrive at the sonogram place. This is it. We are going to meet our baby who has been hiding from us for the greater part of eight months. We walk in, I sign the sign-in sheet and we take a seat. The receptionist looked at my name, looked at me, back at my name. The look on her face was priceless. "You're Jennifer?". Guilty. She had obviously already reviewed my chart from my OB/GYN doctor. "You're 35 weeks pregnant?" Guilty again. She was the first of many healthcare practitioners who would be in disbelief of my current state.  

Baby's first picture

39 Weeks