At my last OB visit, my doctor told me I would KNOW when I'm in labor. She did not lie. This is definitely labor and I'm f'in over it already. She also told me that I shouldn't come to the hospital until I met the requirements of the 5-1-1 rule, or I'd get sent home. Contractions 5 minutes apart, 1 minute long, and consistent for 1 hour. I describe to the the nurse how far apart my contractions are and how I'm feeling. She tells me to walk around, take a shower, eat a hot meal, because I'm going to have a long couple days ahead of me. A couple days. I immediately know I'm not going to survive this. This is it, this is how I will die.
Where the hell is Joel! I cry. I want to crawl out of my own body. Around 7:00 am Joel finally comes home. He has a weird calming effect on me. He hugs me, holds me and supports me through a series of contractions. We talk about how excited we both are that its finally happening. We are so close to becoming parents I can feel it! Literally, I can feel it. And it feels horrible. I am calm and happy until he crawls into bed and falls asleep. He falls asleep! While I'm in freaking labor! While HIS child is literally splitting me in two, he finds it acceptable to sleep. Aw hell no. Partners take my advice, when your woman is in labor, doing the hardest thing she's ever done in her entire life, you don't sleep. You do the opposite of sleep. You are at her beck and call through the entire process. End of story. I still hate him for this one.
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| Joel napping with the Pug while I'm in labor, dying |
I manage to drum up the last sliver of empathy I can muster and I leave him be while I take a very long hot shower. After all, once the baby comes, long hot showers will be a thing of the past. And so will naps for Dad. I take my time, working through each contractions like a champion, or so I thought. I was tricked into thinking I could do this. The hot shower made the pain almost tolerable. The second I got out of the shower I had a contraction that took my breath away. The hot water was a contraction band-aid and I'm back to feeling like I'm going to die.
I wake up Joel and tell him I need to do things to keep my labor progressing and keep my mind occupied. We head to my work so I can pick up my paycheck and then to Babies R Us so I can walk around and we can get some last minute baby items. I am over the moon that there is an "expectant mothers" parking space available. During my extremely lengthy five week pregnancy, every single time we went to a store that had parking for expectant mothers, all the spaces were full and I was mad. After taking an obligatory "I'm in labor photo" featuring Jenny with the good hair, we walk up and down the aisles of the store pausing every 10-15 minutes so I could work through a contraction. I can only imagine what the other customers were thinking after seeing my giant self grunt and moan like a dying rhinoceros while holding onto the shelf displaying the infant bathtubs or crib sheets. If you know me you'd know I never buy anything at full price. I'm a bargain shopper through and through. The pain must have made me lose my mind because we bought a puppy mobile at full price. Because, puppies, obviously.
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| Finally. The parking spot of my dreams. |
Joel takes me back home to say my farewells to my house, my bed, and my dogs. But first, food. I need food. I know once I get to the hospital they won't let me eat. I need energy to get through the next couple days of trauma and hell I'm putting my body through so, carbs. I need carbs. I send Joel to Noodle and Company for lunch. I eat, then I try and relax and take a nap. Yeah right. Nothing about labor is relaxing and I was a fool to think I could nap. My Mom and sister get home from work at about the same time. They hang out with us for a while, and in true Mom and sister fashion, laugh at me while I work through each contraction. Little did I know a crazy storm was approaching our area and was supposed to hit during rush hour. The hospital I was delivering at was a good 20-30 minute drive downtown without traffic. My Mother then gives me the best advice I've ever had in my life. LIE. Lie to Labor & Delivery and tell them I'm on my way with contractions 5-7 minutes apart as opposed to the 8-10 minutes that they actually are. While Joel loads the car I hug my mom and sister like I've never hugged them before. I am terrified, I'm in the worst pain of my life and I'm sobbing. I have resurrected my Kim Kardashian ugly cry.
It's baby time y'all.
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